Gregg (yes, two g’s I know, I know) and Lauren, Millhouse Kitchen, Lourensford Wine Estate. Or should that be Simon and Tamara? Or is it Frans and Jenny? It’s all a bit confusing really. You see, Lauren and myself got into this habit of calling each other arb names. It all started with me calling her the wrong name when we first met and it just kind of snowballed. Now this whole name-calling thing actually started to get properly out of hand on Gregg and Lauren’s actual wedding day. You see, the thing is, at the wedding itself there was Gregg and Lauren (current bride and groom) as well as previous brides and grooms of mine, namely, Gavin and Tanya, and Etienne and Tarryn. So what with me and Lauren calling each other different names over 8 hours or so, confusion was defs going to kick in. Which is why at one stage during the proceedings I stared blankly across at Gav and wondered to myself: ‘Heck, what’s his name again?’ (Not really Gav, I just made that part up because I couldn’t think of anything else to say). Anyway, very, very, very cool wedding this. Gregg and Lauren’s little girl Bailey, also known as ‘Hay-Bales,’ is supremely cute with the personality to match – you can’t help just gravitating towards her. A bit like her mom (or so Lauren tells me anyway). Oh flip, I almost forgot – I managed to quite superbly undo a record I was rather proud of. I’ve never knocked anything over at a wedding. Not a speaker, not a glass, not anything. I’ve collided with a few guests, but not once anywhere have I ever managed to bash over a heap of plates or concuss a waitress (which is one hell of a feat considering my ability to walk into things). Anyway, there I was, just sort of backing up moments before the speeches, when I er, collided with an ice bucket stand. Tricky. I turned to catch it, but um, too late I’m afraid as the ice water splashed all over a very understanding guest. Jammer Oom, I didn’t mean it, honest. Hope your back and trousers have dried out. What a beautiful day and I cannot begin to tell you just how satisfying it is to see my past brides and grooms happy, healthy and in love. Wonderful.

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