You ask your girlfriend to marry her, your mates ask you how you enjoyed your bachelor’s. It’s as simple as that. You’ll normally answer the question with a ‘humph,’ or a ’sjoe,’ or a low, almost inaudible whistle. Your wife-to-be will answer with a roll of her eyes and a very distinct sideways motioning of her head that indicates: ‘no, no, no, no, no – never again.’ You don’t altogether disagree with her, but you’ll never admit it, not in front of your mates anyway. Look bud, like it or not, your bachelor party is going to make a man of you. Even the most seriously respected party animals out there battle at their bachelor’s my friend. It’s there to test your manhood. It’s the final exam of singledom – to find out if you’ve been paying attention after years of hanging with the boys. Fail and no matter what you may think of your manhood, ‘the manne’ will think otherwise. Pass, and boy-oh-boy, you’ll be cheered, flags will fly, trumpets will sound and you’ll be hailed an immortal hero. You think standing at the alter is going to be a nerve-wracking experience? Think again chap. The biggest test of your single life was not the high ball you had to field in that nail-biter against a ferocious ‘Boys High’ opposition tearing down at you with your team 2-points ahead in the final game of your school career. It’s the fact that you’re going to have to face 40 or so bloodthirsty mates holding all manner of concoctions at you in the final weeks before you get married. Mates (you thought they were mates anyway), who are going to strip you naked, paste you in flour, pour beer over your head, and make you consume far, far too much before parading in the stripper and then putting you to bed so that they can party on without you. Mates indeed. Afterwards, the first two questions your better half is going to ask you are: ‘Did you drink to much?’ – you can handle this question, and – ‘was there a stripper? – trust me, you’d rather headbutt a moving train than have to answer that one. Look, I have to be perfectly honest here – I’m going to try and help you through this somewhat hazardous operation, but I’m not sure that I can, so let’s wing it and see where this goes…

Very few bachelor parties are tame affairs. Just accept it – even if 90% of the guys are happy to keep it tidy, there is always going to be that unsavory element (usually your better mates) who are going to want to teach you one or two final lessons. So my advice is this – go with the flow. Humour them. Fight it and you’re a fish that has just gone belly up.

Throw a few challenges back. Your mates didn’t bring you up to be a complete and utter wimp. So throw the odd challenge back at them. If you have to do something, get them to do the same. It makes things a lot more interesting (and in certain instances it’ll help you get you out of the dwang because they’ll back off or all join in and take the pressure off you).

Pace yourself. This is a seriously tough one, but you can prepare by eating a nice big greasy deep-fried fish & chips beforehand, drink a bathtub of water and take those ‘anti-I-drank-too-much pills.’ Then, at your bachelor’s, remember to cheat. If no one is looking, lob your drink away. Just don’t get caught Batman. Remember, this is your supreme test. Other than that, you’re on your own.

The Girl. Uh-oh, you thought they wouldn’t do it, but that unruly element within your inner circle clubbed together and bought you a stripper bless their cotton socks. How very thoughtful of them. Some girlfriends actually don’t mind this little ritual. Others will rip your arm off, the arms of every one of your mates off and then proceed to club each and every one of you to death with the soggy parts of those said arms should even the mention of a stripper be uttered. So here’s the deal. If it’s going to even be a tiny problem, speak very, very sternly to the guys beforehand and tell them that under no circumstances are they to phone a lass whose going to pop in for a bit of light-hearted entertainment. Make sure your friends understand this clearly and make sure your fiancé knows you’ve told them this. You really don’t want to be put under that sort of pressure. If on the other hand everybody is comfortable with it, well, act responsibly. Don’t be foolish and don’t be pressurized into touching her. At all. Period. End of story. This is serious stuff – you don’t want to stuff up your marriage before it’s even started now do you?

Be responsible again. I said it in the last paragraph, but it’s worth mentioning again. I have shot bachelor parties that have been horror stories. Lights have been ripped from their fittings, tables, chairs and cutlery broken, people insulted and so on. It’s just not funny and I can guarantee you, you will never be allowed back again, not ever. So please, be responsible. Have a complete and utter party – go huge – but respect the venue and those around you.

Okay so now that we have your ‘average’ bachelor party out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the other options you could go for – because believe me, you don’t have to get completely broken for 12 hours and then dressed up in an Elvis outfit and flown to Durban for your mates up there to start part 2 of the proceedings (like a good friend of mine had to endure a few years back).

FOUR! Good option this for those of you who like to swing a club. Book a morning or afternoon at the golf course, set up a few challenges with fines and prizes, then go for gold. Afterwards you can stick around for the ‘prize-giving’ at the club or head out to a restaurant or a friends house to complete the formalities. If you’re a surfer, adapt what I’ve just said. Ditto if you like fishing.

Hold a sports day. Boys like a challenge or three, so throw in a 100 metre sprint, a game of cricket, some touch rugby and a few cold one’s. Afterwards light a fire, throw on some meat and leave all salads and plates at home, they just get in the way.

Hire a bus. A pub crawl of some of the smellier places you used to frequent as a student is always a fine idea and it brings back some awesome memories. But hire a bus because you definitely don’t want to be driving.

Potjie competition. Every single man I know has the most brilliant secret potjie recipe in the world. Well, here’s his chance to prove it. Get together 5 potjie pots or so, divide the guys into teams and get each team to pick a recipe from a pot. They make the recipe they pick. You can have a lamb potpie, a chicken potpie, a curry potpie, a seafood potpie and something more challenging like tripe and trotters. The bachelor judges the potjies. It’s an awesome evening and gets the stories and the testosterone literally cooking.

So there you go bud. Be cool, have fun, and try as hard as you can not to pull the ring out of it or to throw your name completely away. The most important thing about your bachelor party is that you enjoy it and remember it for many, many years to come. It’s going to be the only one you have, so let’s hope you live to tell the story. Speak to you in the morning…