Dear Layla

Okay, so right now you’re not quite even a day old. I’ve been holding these photographs of your family back. I wanted you to be born before I released them. There’s a very, very good reason for this. I need to let you know that your family is not um, normal. They’re crazy Layla – ab-so-lutely crazy. They’re extremely funny and a very entertaining bunch I promise. Your mom is hilarious. Your dad is a completely free-spirited chap who laughs at just about everything, and as for your brother, well, he’s a bit nuts really. I’ll prove it to you okay? Here goes…

So your mom phoned me and told me your were in her tummy. I was very, very excited about that. Then she told me that she wanted me to photograph your fam and her tum-tum – just to prove to the world you were actually there. We met early one morning. Your brother looked like he might not want to do the whole photo shoot thing because it was brrrrr, chily, chilly, chilly. So I decided to try and get him on my side. I said to him: ‘Hey Logie, I was nearly late because I was wrestling a big, bad, brown bear into the water this morning, but it got stuck and wouldn’t come out. I nearly didn’t make it here bud.’ At first he looked a bit startled, then he roared with laughter and told me that he quite likes a good poo himself. And so off we went, happily chit-chatting about who makes the loudest farts in the bath and all. Logan reckoned neither your mom nor dad could match him – he was the ‘World Bath Farting Champ.’ We walked around Newlands Forest and eventually found our way to the old zoo. A zoo is a place where they used to put animals into cages. Then people would come along and stare at the animals. I know, weird hey? But zoos are disappearing fast because there are lots of good people out there who want wild animals to be free and happy. Hopefully when you get a bit bigger there won’t be anymore zoos around. I told Logan that when I was his age I used to visit the zoo to see the lions. He didn’t really like the fact that lions were kept in such a small place – we gave each other a High 5. Logan told me that the lions were now actually roaming free on the mountain. He also told me that it would be a really good idea to go and find them – and that the best way to find them would be to find their poo. So off we went, poo spotting. It was really exciting. We saw big Labrador Lion poo, Ridgeback Lion poo and even small Miniature Schnauzer Lion poo. I think your dad may have even missed stepping in an interesting looking German Shepard Lion poo by mere inches. He did scream a bit as he dodged it because I think he got a bit of a fright – but he was very, very brave. Your mom was really concerned about protecting your dad so she started crying. With laughter. She’s such a trooper. Anyway, I hope you have a really cool life and enjoy every moment of it because you have a really awesome family young lady. And hopefully when you get a little bigger I’ll be able to take photos of you as well. I’m sure we can find lots more stories about pink flying elephants, spotted giraffe birds and more of those ever so interesting big brown bears.