As I’m sitting here writing this, it’s about 9° Celsius outside, which basically means that it’s somewhat chilly. But shortly, very shortly, all of that is about to change. Because wedding season in the Cape means blistering, searing heat at times. Last March for example I shot a wedding in Franschhoek where the mercury shot up to a mere 49° Celsius (in Farenheit that’s 120° – ouch!) I’m fairly used to it because this is the weather I ply my trade in. But on your wedding day, a lot of your guests are not going to be used to standing around in their finest attire as the sun does its thing. And it really does get extremely uncomfortable out there at times. Every year I see some very sweaty, red-faced, flustered people fighting for space in the shade. And that’s even before the ceremony starts. Come photo-time after the ceremony and I often have to use every ounce of my motivational skills to coax people out into the sunlight. So here’s what you can do on your wedding day to keep your guests as comfy as possible…

Look at the time of year. When planning your wedding, here’s a very scientific heat guideline for you. September and October are always fairly reasonable heat-wise and quite honestly, nothing to panic about. In November things start to heat up a little – nothing too hectic, but you will push the odd bead! December is hot with a few indecent extra hot curve balls here and there. Ditto January. February and March are your absolute belters. They make Nando’s Extra Hot Peri-Peri look like iced tea. Here your wedding day is almost guaranteed to deliver African heat at its most intense.. April and May are just joyous with little cloud and almost no wind, and a 99.99% chance of no rain.

Consider your dress code. If your wedding is outside, a formal dress code is not the best idea in town when the temperature soars. Jackets, ties and tuxedos cause people to severely overheat and you don’t want your guests keeling over now do you? You can still have a very smart, swish wedding without going the Black Tie route. However, if that’s what you really want, then go for it, but make sure you have some of these precautions in place…

Don’t keep your guests waiting. Look, every bride should be fashionably late, just try and keep it tidy. 30-minutes late is a bit over-the-top because Uncle Bernie might have been reduced to a prune by then. Also ask that the service be kept to an appropriate length. After 4 people have passed out from heat exhaustion you should really be considering that first kiss.

Shade. Speak to the venue about providing shade (and lots of it) for your guests. During the ceremony your guests will more than likely sit in the sun so make sure you have a supply of hand-held fans, umbrellas and even spritzer bottles to help them stay cool. Once the service is done, there will more than likely be a general stampede towards shade. Most venues have an ample sprinkling of trees around, but this may not be enough, so they need to supply you with large parasol garden umbrellas or awnings over a balcony, or an open tent or gazebo. Any shade is better than little or no shade at all. Put pressure on your venue to create as much shade as possible and don’t compromise on this issue.

Water. It is extremely important to keep both yourselves and your guests hydrated. When the sun decides to turn its heat switch to ‘overdrive’ you’d be amazed at just how much water is in demand. Ask your venue to supply you with water in ice buckets – and lots of it. Beer, wine and champers are nice, but when the chips are down your guests will go for water. They always do.

Don’t leave your guests outside to die. When the post-wedding photo session starts, it might be an idea to allow any guests who might wish to move indoors to proceed into the reception area. Disorientated guests walking into each other on the lawn or stumbling lost and confused into vineyards looks a bit tacky. Ask your venue to turn up the air-conditioning and to keep it there!

Some people at a wedding are actually quite important. For example, the bride and groom are quite important or there wouldn’t be a wedding at all. The minister is also important, but his role is quite fleeting. The parents are also important (since generally speaking, they’re the one’s coughing up for the day’s proceedings, not to mention the fact that it’s their kids tying the proverbial knot). Then of course there’s you, the bridesmaid. Which doesn’t mean you now get to flirt outrageously with the Best Man or the bride’s ever-so-good-looking younger brother all evening long. Being a Bridesmaid is one thing. Being a darned good Bridesmaid is another. So here are a few tips that will make you an absolute legend before and after the wedding.

1. Prop up the scrum. Girl, you’re going to need to be there to hold things together when our dear bride gets hit left, right and centre with all the planning going on. It’s her wedding, so let her plan it, but provide sage advice when you need to, throw out the old shoulder to cry on when it’s needed and keep encouraging her no matter what. The numero uno rule here is to remember it’s not your wedding – it’s your friend’s/sisters/whoever’s wedding – so remain thoughtful and considerate at all times.

2. The bachelorette party is your baby. You know what your bride enjoys and what she doesn’t enjoy, so plan the bachelorette party accordingly. And for goodness sake, plan it well ahead of the wedding. Get the guest list, phone the girls, set up the date and do the thing. The later you leave it, the harder it will be to organise because the days leading up to the wedding are going to be frenetic.

3. Don’t criticise the groom. Funnily enough, a lot of couples will bang heads on everything from décor, to the DJ, photographer and who cracks the nod and who doesn’t at the wedding. Sometimes things can get pretty heated. Your role here is to be supportive of the bride, so lend an ear, stay positive and don’t criticise the groom. Remember, she still loves the guy and she’s still going to marry him – it’s just that right here, right now she doesn’t like him as much as she did 2 hours ago!

4. Love your dress. Now look, you might love the dress she’s chosen for you, but there again, you may not want to be seen dead in it. Either way, you’re going to do one thing – you’re going to love it. And you’re going to tell her so. And you’re going to wear it with pride come wedding day. If you really don’t like it you can seek counselling after the wedding. Having said that, it is always a good idea to be a part of selecting the dress (since you will be wearing it from start to finish come wedding day). So ask her if she minds if you can be part of the process in choosing it.

5. Be there. There really is only one reason you were ever asked to be a Bridesmaid and that’s because she wants you to be there for here. And she wants you to be there for her because you’ve probably been there in the past for her. So yes, you’ve earned your role. But come wedding day you’ll need to pull out all the stops. So here’s how you go about it. On wedding day you: field calls for her, pack all touch-up make-up (and ensure it’s close at all times throughout the day). You make sure you know what is going on where, how and when across the board. You are her eyes and ears throughout the day. If she needs something, you get it, or you delegate, but you make damned sure it happens (and quickly). Before she walks down the aisle you make certain everything is in place and that she looks perfect. Then you say: ‘See you at the front gorgeous’ and then you walk down the aisle with pride.

Not too difficult really. Oh, and when the groom or Bestman stands up and says: ‘I just want to thank the Bridesmaids for the most incredible job ever,’ believe me, it’s going to make every moment you have spent as a Bridesmaids100% worthwhile. Okay, now it’s up to you – you go girl.

Your wedding day should be the most amazingly awesome day of your life. Wonderful. Now let me tell you that things do go wrong at weddings. A few I’ve seen are the Best Man forgetting the rings, dad breaking his ankle the night before, a cake imploding on itself, a bride arriving an hour and a half late – the list goes on. Now, let’s examine ways to handle these little mishaps shall we.

1. The bride decides not to pitch. This can basically be described as a complete train smash. It doesn’t get worse than this. It’s also extremely embarrasing and you will never ever experience stress levels quite as high again. What to do? I have absolutely no idea – you’re on your own.

2. A guest gives birth during the service. Somewhat problematic, but if there’s a doctor in the house it’s job done. What to do? Ask the minister if you can slot in a Christening at the same time.

3. You accidentally, um, ‘pass wind’  as you walk down the aisle. Not quite as bad as you might think, but could pose an uncomfy moment or two. What to do? You have a dad next to you. Look at him with an astonished glance and just say: ‘Daaaad!’

4. Old Uncle Tony has a cardiac arrest at the reception. Too much Fox-trotting on the dance floor gets Uncle T’s ticker wobbling. This is indeed a bit of a party-wrecker. What to do? Get Uncle Tony another Tequila.

5. Nobody arrives at your wedding. This really is a bit impolite but what can you do, you’re clearly not as liked as you thought. What to do? Oh well, you may as well make the best of it – throw the garter & bouquet for the waiters to catch and have fun!

6. The Springboks are playing New Zealand as the ceremony starts. No real problem there. What to do? Duh! Stop the wedding, watch the game.

7. Mom wears a hat that looks like a schizophrenic peacock. This is also a bit of a train smash actually. I mean, what on earth was she thinking? What to do? Get a cocky guest to crow at her each time she passes. Hopefully the hat will eventually go.

8. You give birth at your own wedding. That really is a bit naughty of you. You should have told someone about your condition beforehand. Well, it’s too late now isn’t it? What to do? Cancel your honeymoon.

You’ve stayed up all night together, argued together, played backgammon together, hit the beach together, cried together, and if the truth be told, you’ve probably even slept in the same bed together – on more than one occasion. So one thing is beyond dispute here – you were made for each other and yes, you love each other very, very much. So now it’s time for your best friend, the one who will never leave your side to be asked that big question. You gather up all your courage and let it out: ‘Listen bro, would you do me the honour of being my Best Man?’ Stunned silence ensues as you watch your mate reel as if he’d been thumped on the pip by a sledge-hammer. It’s not really the response you were looking for. So chaps, if you’re asked to be the Best Man, here’s how you go about being the Ultimate Best Man Ever Volume 1.

1. Organise the Bachelor Party. Men are men and that means we often aren’t too adept at organising things. So whatever you do, don’t delay on this. Get hold of the male crew and put together a killer Bachelor’s. This is very important as you’ll be measured on its success or failure. It’s the biggest bonding session of your soon-to-be-married mates life, so don’t let him down.

2. Keep all of the other groomsmen in check. Make sure that they know what they’re wearing at the wedding, give them any dates and times of fittings and make absolutely certain that each of them know what’s expected of them in the lead up to the wedding and on wedding day.

3. It’s the small things that count. He probably won’t show it, but your mate the dashing groom is under some serious stress as the wedding approaches. He’ll act cool and calm on the outside, but under the surface he’s a bit of a mess. He’s thinking about whether or not he’ll remember his vows, what to put in his speech, what his bride will look like, what he’s going to call his new in-laws and so on. So offer to collect the rings, pick up gran, delegate drivers, fill the honeymoon car with petrol, make sure his undies don’t have holes in them. Be his second set of ears, eyes and hands

4. Be a rock. On wedding day, get him to the wedding venue on time. And get him there in a good state of mind. Check that all the groomsmen have their button holes and know where to stand. Be jovial, chat to guests as they arrive to take the pressure off him, joke with him, be cool – he needs the reassurance that you are there next to him now more than ever before.

5. Pay the minister. Make sure you have money to pay the minister for his services. This is not the time to be passing a hat around to start a collection fund, so arrive ready and organised!

6. Brief in the speeches. Make sure everyone knows who is making a speech and when. Give each person a specific duration to speak for. I’ve had a wedding or two when the speeches have gone on for over an hour. Nobody likes speeches that run for too long so make sure the speeches are short, sweet, to the point, yet powerful and emotional.

7. Make the Matron of Honour feel like a million bucks. Pull her chair out for her, dance with her during the opening formal dance. Be a true gentleman. She’ll love you for it.

8. Make a mature speech. Do not stuff this up. Give your toast to the bride and groom (or to the bridesmaids) some real thought. If you deliver a good speech or toast, guests won’t stop complimenting you all evening. Mess it up and you’ll draw stares from people that will make it a long night for you.

9. Don’t forget the rings. Do. Not. Forget. The Rings.

10. Enjoy the wedding and stand proud.

]]> http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/10/be-the-best-best-man/feed/ 0 http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/09/book-your-wedding-photographer-early/ http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/09/book-your-wedding-photographer-early/#comments Tue, 14 Sep 2010 16:05:12 +0000 Warren http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/?p=2966

I deem it so important to book your wedding photographer early that I’ve actually decided to write an article on it. This year alone I have already turned away in excess of 30 couples simply because they left booking too late. Some were fine with it, others were devastated to put it mildly. The fact of the matter is simply this: once you’ve done your homework (see here) and identified the photographer you like (and the chances are you’ll fall head over heels in love with his or her work), make the booking. Immediately. Don’t delay. Why? Because there are other couples who have also looked at your potential photographer’s work and who also want to book him or her. If they get in first, they win, you lose, simple as that. As a wedding photographer your first allegiance is to the couple who have booked and paid their deposit. You then stand by them no matter who approaches you, or how much money they want to throw at you to buy their way in. How far do you need to book in advance? You’re probably safe if you book a year ahead. At 8 months you’re cutting it fine. At 6 months you’ll have a very slim chance, but it’s worth a shot together with a little prayer. 4 months or less and you’re probably blown – although even the heaviest booked photographers do have a date open here and there. But trust me, it’s not worth taking the chance. In the past week alone I’ve had to turn down 7 weddings which are all planned 4, 5 and 6 months away. It’s that scary. And you may not realise it now, but your wedding photographer will walk a very long road with you. Eventually you’ll fall pregnant and perhaps want a pregnancy shoot – guess who you’ll call? Ditto for an infant shoot when your baby arrives. The same for that 1st birthday party, toddler shoot, and then once the kids are up and galloping around with boundless energy you’ll want a family shoot. Book your photographer now and you’ve started making history without actually realising it. No need for me to ramble on, I think I’ve made the point. Now pick up the phone. And hurry…

Kids at weddings. ah, what a wonderful subject. Not for the fainthearted I tell you. They’re just full of surprises – good surpises and very, very bad surprises. They’re either eliciting ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ from your guests as they trundled unsteadily down the aisle, or they’re bringing the entire house down with ‘look mommy, that lady is wearing a funny hat with apples in it,’ just as our gorgeous bride hits her stride down the aisle. Never ever a dull moment with the younger set around I tell you. I personally love kids at weddings – they add the very unexpected and it’s a photographers dream. I’ve seen children at weddings doing all manner of things, each time pulling off yet another masterstroke at completely upsetting the proceedings. I’ve seen them asking the minister why he’s wearing a dress, I’ve watched them asking the bride when the baby is coming, I’ve heard them shout out ‘boooooring’ (I kid you not), and I’ve watched them make speeches so amazingly full of love that it I’ve wondered why the entire world isn’t just left to them to run. So here’s the deal – if you want children at your wedding, go for it, but expect the unexpected, because it WILL happen. Somewhere, somehow during the course of your wedding day that little 3 year old is going to have a pretty inspirational moment and somebody is going to be on the very marvellous receiving end of it. But you can ‘manage’ those mini-missiles to a degree. Here’s how – I think…

Hire a babysitter. It’s not going to cost you that much is it? Almost everyone knows a lovely nanny who is great with kids. So hire her! She’ll feel a part of the proceedings and she’ll welcome the extra money. And throw in a gift as well – she’ll hold it dear forever.

Put a little time aside for kids photos. Children are naturally theatrical. Set 10 minutes aside for your photographer to capture them doing their thing during the formals and if he’s any good at his job, he’ll blow about 30% of their inherent energy package in one go. And you will seriously love the photos.

Include the kids during the dancing. When children feel an ‘expression session’ coming on best you stand back because they’re going to hit that dance floor hammer and tongs. Include them, dance with them, love and hug them. More energy gone.

Set a kiddies table. Kids are not little adults, they’re kids. And kids all love the same sort of things – bubbles, balloons, masks, crayons, fiddly stuff that will capture their imaginations. Make their table exciting for them and they’ll play themselves into a coma. Oh and try not to feed them snails as a starter – give them food that they love. Then, when it all gets too much for them, our legendary babysitter can whisk them off to a room with a… TV. The smaller one’s will hit the sack, the bigger one’s will watch TV until they just can’t anymore. Sleep tight. Job done.

]]> http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/08/kids-at-weddings/feed/ 1 http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/07/whose-your-mamma/ http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/2010/07/whose-your-mamma/#comments Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:32:32 +0000 Warren http://www.warrenwilliams.co.za/?p=2708

I’d like to take a moment to deviate for once on writing about weddings. Instead, I‘d like to scare the wits out any couple about to get married. The subject goes something like this: ‘honey, whooose your mamma?’

So, what’s driven me to write this article? Simple – my wedding couples. I consistently ask them, no, I beg them, to pace themselves. And they consistently take my sage advice and wisdom and turn it on its head. From my point of view, this is how my relationship with my couples goes: I meet them, we get on well together, I spend the most important day of their lives with them, they go on honeymoon, I process their photos. They arrive back from honeymoon, we all get really excited about their photos and then we chat every so often via e-mail, or on Facebook, or on the telephone. Then comes the e-mail. ‘Hi Warren, just want you to know that we’re 6 months pregnant.’ Now let me get something straight here. ‘We’re’ not pregnant, YOU are pregnant. I wasn’t there remember. It’s YOU who are at fault here. I was the one who said, ‘take your time, go slow, no rush, live life a bit.’ But no, YOU were the ones who got all excited on honeymoon, or at the New Year’s Eve party, not me! So let’s drop the ‘we’re pregnant’ part of this. Right, now that we have our stories straight, I’m going to try and help prepare you for a bit of parenting.

Getting pregnant. Fun isn’t it? Whoo-hoo – party time! ‘Wham bam here I am’ and all that sort of thing. And then, one morning: ‘honey, I don’t feel all that good.’ Uh-oh. And so begins that most adventurous journey of all. Man, what a journey. What a wonderful journey, filled with aches, pains, headaches, Braxton Hicks contractions, swollen ankles and a husband who irritates you no matter what he does. Actually, it is an amazing journey, because you are indeed carrying something extremely special inside of you. The vomiting and so on is all just a bit of a sideshow and way too over-rated.

The birth process. Girls, suffice it to say that the birthing process is not supposed to be elegant. It’s not a fashion show and you are not required to look your best. It’s also unavoidable. So go in there and whichever route you choose, try and enjoy the experience and give it your best shot. The doc and midwife will do the rest. Chaps. Chaps, chaps, chaps, chaps. Pull your bottom lip up and over the top of your head. How does that feel? Super. This is what your gorgeous wife is about to go through (in a manner of speaking). Once she’s done and dusted, your attitude towards her is going to change forever, because to you she truly will become the greatest warrior on earth. Now, once your baby has arrived, hold the little thing, cuddle it, prod it, bend its nose to see if everything is real and in working order, then let your wife sleep (she’s pretty knackered right now). Go call your family and friends, light your cigar and drink a beer – your most creative work ever just touched down on planet earth. You legend you.

Going home. If you want sympathetic parental advice you’re not going to find it here! Parenting is darned hard work right from the word go. Your wife has to feed every few hours so expect her to be a zombie for a few months. Your once previously exceptional record of getting lucky 27 times a week is going to drop significantly so get used to it. Girls, your husband is going to feel severely neglected as you pay much more attention to the little one – be mindful of this – he’s actually a really good fellow. Your baby is going to wee, poo, fart and vomit on you. Get used to it, accept it, embrace it and watch your disposable income crash as your monthly nappy purchases go through the proverbial roof.

Growing up. Hide all hairdryers, paintbrushes, cosmetics, model boats, remote controls, wheelbarrows, hosepipes and pets. Oh, and hide all snack foods (toddlers put all popcorn and chips that they taste and don’t like back into the bowl it came out of – and a soggy chip isn’t that great when you pop it into your mouth as Bryan Habana goes over for his third try). In fact, hide everything. And pick up the dog poo or your kid will pick it up for you. With both hands. And bring it to you. Wherever. You. Are.

Starting school. School means you’re going to be properly busy and properly broke forever. In and amongst having to start doing homework (and projects again) literally every day, you’ll also be picking up and dropping off kids and their friends on average 7 days per week (multiply this by another 1 for every extra child you have and the proportions truly do go from the sublime to the ridiculous). Cubs, ballet, extra maths, music, rugby, hockey, tennis, netball, school braai, galas, athletics day, cake-sale duty, school play, camp out. And believe me, that’s just the start. The list goes on and the hours are long. If you ever thought you had the inability to multi-task, school is going to change that perception very, very fast. And these days schools are open Saturdays and Sundays. You think work is tough – try going back to school. Good-bloody-luck – you’re going to need it.

Teenage years. Go and look in the mirror. Remember what you used to be like as a teenager. Okay, now go look at your kid. That’s you, just worse sister. Opinionated, loud, sulky, pimply, trying, emotionally aloof, wild, frighteningly confident and expressive you. Love or hate the teen years, you’re going to learn a lot about yourself (like how much weight you’ve put on since you were sweet 16). Or just how ridiculous your stock standard response to why your teenage kid can’t go out this Saturday night sounds. You’re going to realize that being as honest, frank, straight-forward and open as the school Sex, sorry, Adult Education Guidance Counselor is a nightmare. In fact you sound like a nervous teenager yourself as you go through the drill of pointing out the ‘sexual perils in a modern world.’ The term ‘getting lucky’ is about to take on staggeringly scary proportions for you. And all the time the school is consoling you by simply saying that the kids are simply ‘finding themselves’ and ‘expressing their individuality.’ Nice. Rock on bro. One word of advice – when you open the front door, if the ‘dude’ standing there says: ‘howzit peeps, I’m here to pick up your number one girl,’ just close the door without saying a word and walk away. It’ll work, I promise.

First time occurrences in life are huge. Like the first time you recognised your mother (although you probably don’t remember it), your first day at school, that first somewhat clumsy kiss, the first time you stood up for yourself, your first salary – you get the idea. Big moments. Wonderful moments. Unforgettable stuff (refer back to that first kiss again). So the first time you ever put on your wedding dress is huge (yes, you’ll put it on again after your wedding day girl). Now it’s quite important that the moment you pull your dress over your head, or step into it, that it fits properly and that it makes you look astonishingly good.

Okay look I admit, I’m no wedding frock designer. But since I have spent an undue amount of time in the company of brides and their wedding dresses, I do feel a little qualified to voice my opinion on the subject. So for what it’s worth, here’s what I reckon you should keep in mind when shopping for that all important dress.

‘OOPS!’ Look at the dress you’d like to wear on your wedding day. Close your eyes. Now place yourself 25 years into the future (your hair will be shorter & greyer and yes, your bum will definitely look bigger in your dress – that I guarantee you). Now open your eyes and look at the wedding dress you’d like again. If you go: ‘oops, what am I thinking?’ it’s the wrong dress, so move on.

FAD IS BAD! Bellbottoms were the in thing in the ‘70’s. To the best of my knowledge they’ve never seen the light of day again. So if you see a somewhat engaging off-peach, bellbottom style frock, leave it alone. See ‘OOPS’ above.

STAY SAFE. Your wedding day is NOT the time to be experimenting with what suits you and what doesn’t. If a strapless dress doesn’t suit you at your fitting, it’s certainly not going to suit you on your wedding day. Ditto a low cut dress (front and/or back). So stay on the safe side of the river – wear what you know you will look good in. Conversely, if you do have a marvellous pair of boobs, and you can carry showing them off with style, then be my guest, because it does look amazing when done with pure, sizzling, unadulterated class. Yes, it’s important that you flatter your figure, so take along a girlfriend who is going to be completely honest with you. If your ‘lovehandles’ are protruding, you need to know!

THROW A PARTY. When photographing you, the following point is extremely important to me! Check that you can breath, walk, turn, sit, bendover, jump up and down and generally move pretty fluidly without breaking into a sweat or splitting the seams of your dress! I kid you not, some girls battle to walk 10 metres without having to stop and lift or readjust their dresses. Be practical. You’re also going to need to be a bit of a Lady Gaga on the dancefloor – so movement is critical.

PLAY THE FIELD. Try on, try on, try on. Spend the whole day trying on if you need to. Wear it, look at it and set your sites high. Choosing a wedding dress isn’t like walking into a retail store and picking something off the rails.  If you don’t feel fantastically beautiful on your wedding day it’s going to be a problem. So be fussy – every superstar is. And listen to the advice of your dress designer. If on the other hand you’re hiring  your dress and you happen to start irritating the sales assistant because of your ‘um-ing’ and ‘ah-ing,’ too bad – you’re paying a lot of money so you have every right to be 100% satisfied – end of story.

GIVE YOURSELF TIME AND SPACE. The moment you get engaged, hit the Internet, buy or lend magazines and start looking for your dress. 6 months, 9 if possible is what you may very well need. Book appointments with dress designers, visit reputable bridal gown stores. Let everything you’ve seen build up in your mind. Then go for a walk or enjoy a glass of champers – opening up your mind will unlock your creative juices and the dress you want will slowly begin to form in your mind.

SET A BUDGET. I don’t really need to tell you that wedding costs rise up quicker than the Zimbabwean inflation rate. Weddings are not a cheap exercise, so set a budget for your dress and then be disciplined. And box clever – keep an eye out for specials and sales so that you milk every last cent out of that budget for the finest dress your money can buy.

PLACE YOUR DEPOSIT, GET YOUR GUARANTEES. When all is said and done, make your deposit and ask for a complete breakdown of every last dress detail – what you will get and what’s excluded (if anything). And make sure your contract states that the deal is cancelled if your dress isn’t ready by a certain date. Happy shopping!

Picture the scene. It’s 9.47pm. The wedding dinner is done and dusted, the speeches are still echoing in your ears, the First Dance is receding into the corridors of history and now it’s time for you to kick back, relax and let your hair down. You look across at your amazingly beautiful new bride and you are seriously filled with pride. So you grab her by the arm, spin her around and head for the dance floor. It’s then that you notice there is no dance floor – just a pile of heaving, sweating bodies, arms in the air all doing their finest rendition of some rehashed 1970’s hit single. And just as you pick up a bit of steam to shove your way into the masses, here comes 88-year old Aunt Betty doing the Leeuloop. Just then, the beat changes to Kurt Darren’s ‘Loslappie’ and another 15 or so eager participants hit the already overloaded dance floor with a vengeance.

Right, back to reality. If you can achieve the above scenario at your wedding, you’ve succeeded in bringing together your closest family and friends for a party they’ll never forget. Of course, the reverse is also possible – with Boney M not succeeding in getting anyone onto the dance-floor, least of all Aunt Betty. The bottom line is that you actually need to think about the music at your reception quite carefully. You can go for the live band option, or the DJ route – or you can go for a mixture – the one-man band who does a bit of both!

What is of critical importance is that you understand the mood you want to set and that you understand your guests taste in music. It’s no use that you guys are into Deep Alternative Punk Disco Jam with a twist of Garage House and the rest of your guests are fairly keen on Metromotional Jazz Drum ‘n Base. The fact of the matter (as you clearly know) is that these two styles of music are fairly complex and don’t mix easily. So the objective is to therefore find a balance. And trust me here, that balance is generally straight-down-the-line Mainstream Pop (in English or Afrikaans my friends). Parents understand Mainstream Pop (and they actually dance to it relatively well), which is important. Grandparents don’t really give a damn – they’ll dance to anything you throw at them. Your friends (although they’ll tell you every day of the week how awful Mainstream Pop is) will give it there absolute all when Britney or Lady Gaga or Pink start revving it up. So yes, Mainstream Pop is safe for a BIG party.

Now let’s take a step back. You might not want a big party. You might want something a little more toned down. Fine, no prob – a live band or a good DJ will be versatile enough and have a range of music that will most certainly satisfy what you’re looking for. Bands and DJ’s that can play a wide selection of older music mixed with some newer stuff are always a popular choice. My suggestion, as always, is that you speak to the outfits you’re thinking of using as well as to friends. Get recommendations and do your homework carefully. You don’t want a DJ who drinks beer all night and then falls asleep behind the controls. Neither do you want a band that plays 12 songs before they start repeating song number 1 again. Both DJs and bands must be exciting – they must be motivated and want to really get things going in whatever way you’ve briefed them. So ask for playlists, or draw up your own playlists and find out if the people you’re thinking of hiring can play what you want them to play. Again, in the case of a live band, ask for a sample CD – you’re paying a lot of money here so you need to know exactly what you’re getting. I kid you not, at one wedding I shot about 5 years ago, the band arrived, played 2 songs, ate supper, played 2 songs, drank at the bar, played 3 songs, drank at the bar – and when the groom complained, they played another 2 songs then packed up and left. True story. Not cool. And yes, if they don’t give two hoots about you at your wedding, imagine what it’s going to be like trying to get a refund out of them them. So do your homework. If you do, you’ll go home very tired but very happy puppies at the end of your wedding day – and so too will your guests. Rock on…

I’m scared. A Bachelor Party is one thing, but a Hen’s Party, now there’s another thing altogether. From what I can gather, it’s hardly for the fainthearted. There used to be a time when all the girls got together, dressed the bride-to-be in seriously odd clothing and made her eat a Lunch Bar out of a potty filled with lemonade. How yesterday was that. Well actually, it’s not so yesterday because it does still happen a lot. But a lot of Hen’s Parties these days are pretty much matching anything the Bachelor Party can string together. Today’s girls go all out to make the Hen’s Party one hell of an experience – an experience that would make most boys somewhat uneasy. It’s a case of pop the champers and let’s go bananas. So let’s take a squizz at some of the latest trends out there shall we…

The Lingerie Party. Girls get together, hostess arrives with lots of crotchless lacy bits of nothing, bride ends up trying all the little (quite literally) pieces of cloth and lace on. Bride and friends end up trying it all on. Bride and friends all end up holding major lingerie fashion show while the more adventurous end up doing extremely difficult ballet and gymnastic manoeuvres on restaurant bar counter. This is true and it happens every weekend across the country.

Pole-dancing Party. Major fun this. Hostess number 2 arrives with um, mobile pole and er, erects it in lounge. Bride and mates go through pole dance routine and emerge at the end of the evening as supreme Pole-dance Warriors. And here’s the interesting thing – most of the time it’s the bride’s mom and gran who are doing the saucier moves. Yes, it’s scary. But darned good, clean fun.

Sex Toy Party. My oath, you go girl! If it brrrrs, bumps, vibrates or tickles it’s all unpacked right before your eyes. Chocolate edible this, strawberry edible that – you name it and it’s there to at the very least, pique your interest. Butterfly this, dolphin that, 3-speed this, 5-speed, reversible, multi-whatever. So who says girls don’t like remote controls? Some of these gadgets take a half hour just to learn where to turn on, let alone how to operate. One thing is for sure, it’s going to be an interesting evening girls, and you’re going to learn a lot about some of your friends.

Bob the Builder. Uh-huh, you guessed it. Bob the Builder, Guiseppe the Pizza Guy. Rex the Wrestler, even Frikkie the Visserman! Your very own choice in gyrating delivery guy in the privacy of your living room together with your nearest and dearest mates. A very good friend of mine who was an Alpinist (he sadly passed away a few years back while climbing in Peru) had a build of note. The girls were having a Hen’s Party so they decided to call Duncan who duly arrived in his Tux to some serious whoops of delight! Dunc’s gave it his best shot and it’s gone down as a legendary evening in Hen’s Party folklore! So if you’re keen on having Bernard the Barbarian around, this is probably a good time to give him a call.

Pamper Party. Manicures, pedicures, facials. How naff is that! Moving on swiftly then.

Braai. Or you could just have a braai and watch the rugby.

Look girls, at the end of the day, the objective is to make said Hen’s Party a really fine and memorable occasion. So take the boys on at their own game. Live and let live I say! And I beg you, if you’re drinking, don’t drive. Now go huge.